andom writings about nothing at all. Or everything ever.

What's a Girl Gotta Do to Get a MADAM President?

March 05, 2020 by Sage Romano

No one wanted to take the gamble on the literal smartest person in the room because she also happens to possess a vagina, because her voice is an octave higher than the comforting authority of a masculine timbre, because she was at one point in her political career a Republican. Because in countless meaningless ways she was determined by voters to be “unelectable,” and so, she became unelectable, because self-fulfilling prophecies are exactly that.

Slings & Arrows

December 12, 2019 by Sage Romano

Who’s to say everything is okay? Terrible things happen all the time. Proliferating evil in the world abounds alongside bad luck and bum tickers and rogue cell mutations and freak accidents. The shoes, they drop, they rain down on all of us.

Hello, 45

September 10, 2019 by Sage Romano

Yet life continues to happen, all that deep slow water under the bridge.

Puppy Love

July 09, 2019 by Sage Romano

I always thought of myself as more of a cat person. Non-cat people may see cats as aloof and impersonal; I saw them as independent and self-possessed. That was the pet for me: cool, unattached, implacable.

Travel Bug

May 09, 2019 by Sage Romano

Rather than being freed and emboldened by my autonomy I was instead all too aware of my solitude and the vulnerability that comes with it. This then blossomed into acute paranoia, as my overactive imagination wrote and directed worst-case scenarios, starring me, that played out every violent, bone-cracking, flesh-flaying, paralysis-inducing, life-altering possibility in high-def detail on the widescreen of my mind.

The Treachery of Bookstores

April 01, 2019 by Sage Romano

In recent years bookstores have become increasingly vexing and anxious spaces for me. What used to be places of peace are now fraught with urgency; not about which books to read, which should be the only anxiety one has in a bookstore, but rather my continual failure to finish any one of my fucking three novel manuscripts.

What's Next?

December 31, 2018 by Sage Romano

One thing we can all agree on: shit happens. It’s my tendency to anticipate the worst, to dread and brace and hope to hell that I am wrong. And I am often wrong, which is excellent. But I want to stop doing that, because it taints the lovely, peaceful present.

If the Mute Button Could Talk

October 18, 2018 by Sage Romano

Must you hold up both middle fingers to the speaker that the Talk button and I share? Just because I don’t have eyes doesn’t mean I don’t know what you’re doing. It’s rude. No, it’s beyond rude. It’s abusive.

Creative is. Creative does.

September 12, 2018 by Sage Romano

A simple fact that is glossed over or ignored in advertising (among lots of other things) is the fact that we are all at the mercy of our professional environment. You could have the most creatively facile mind that is sizzling with incredible ideas, but if you don’t have the right client, the right agency or the right team to help you, all those hot ideas are for shit.

Escape Hatch

July 17, 2018 by Sage Romano

We are all too familiar with the cascade of OMG-WTF moments that are now so ordinary in their occurence if tirelessly appalling in their content. In the face of all this and so many other cracks in the foundation of our society as we know it, I’ve been wondering where is my personal red line?

Vicarious

June 08, 2018 by Sage Romano

Today, I realized a part of me presumed, against all reason, that Anthony Bourdain—like David Bowie, or George Carlin, or Katherine Hepburn—was indestructible.

To the Woman Dating My Ex

February 27, 2018 by Sage Romano

So, you swiped right on a sociopath. Not your garden variety toxically narcissistic asshole (though that shoe fits too), but a bona fide lying, conning sociopath.

Resolved (or Whatever).

January 01, 2018 by Sage Romano

While it’s debatable if 2017 has been a marginal improvement on the free-for-all shitshow that was 2016 or whether we’ve just grown more used to the world as it is—in all its appalling glory—personally speaking, 2017 was a definite upgrade.

Gone to Pot

October 20, 2017 by Sage Romano

My bedtime ritual usually results in me giggling myself to sleep with my head full of bad jokes for the standup routine I do in the parallel universe where I’m unbelievably hilarious.

Romantic Semantics

October 11, 2017 by Sage Romano

Not everyone makes a point of baking cupcakes together, is what I’m saying.

Rocking Out with Sisyphus

August 07, 2017 by Sage Romano

Self-doubt and creativity are two symbiotic ingredients in the swamp of an artist’s brain that are locked in a copulating mind-fuck that proclaims your brilliance in the same thrust as it reaffirms your abject stupidity and the ultimate futility of your efforts.

The Mystery of the Mangled Dildo on the Unsanctioned Roof Deck (NSFW)

July 11, 2017 by Sage Romano

I glanced out my kitchen window to spy what appeared to be brutally disfigured anatomically correct dildo lying on my roof. My first thought, after a generalized what the fuck?, was that this was some sort of retribution from neighbors above or below. But upon further inspection, I realized it couldn’t possibly be so simple.

Regrettable

June 30, 2017 by Sage Romano

He was, by all appearances as unaccompanied as I was. I found a spot on the deck of the ferry to watch the ocean pass, and plot how I would strike up a conversation with this guy, as if I were the sort of person who would actually do such a thing.

Timebomb

June 01, 2017 by Sage Romano

This time you’re going to keep your cool and not turn into the Infatuated Hulk that bursts forth from your usual calm, cool, collected Bruce Banner demeanor to wreak havoc on your sense of equilibrium and contentment.

Hey, California. Got a sec? We need to talk.

January 28, 2017 by Sage Romano

Just because you’re mad doesn’t mean you get to take your world’s sixth largest economy and your progressive values and walk out in a self-righteous huff.