The Mystery of the Mangled Dildo on the Unsanctioned Roof Deck (NSFW)

I have a roof deck.

Now, immediately purge from your mind the idea of grand city views peeked at over toes waggling at the ends of plush chaise lounges, whilst sipping sparkling wine as the setting sun lights up some bridge stretching across the sparkling river. That’s not my roof deck. I can’t afford that roof deck.

No, my roof deck is a working-class roof deck, accessed by crawling out of my kitchen window. It’s simply furnished with two faux Adirondack chairs made of some splintery, unfinished wood. Their already limited lifespan is likely lessened every time the averagely weighted human settles her or himself upon them. There’s also a little table that wobbles dangerously every time you set your beer down on it because I couldn’t get the screws in all the way. The roof is only one floor up, providing a great view of the leafy trees that run along my street and decent neighbor-spying opportunities. No, it’s not a fancy roof deck, but it’s mine and it’s one of my favorite things about my apartment.

I call it the Unsanctioned Roof Deck (URD) because, of course, I didn’t happen to mention anything about it to my landlord. Nor did I concern myself much with how sitting out on the roof with a friend talking late into the night might be some kind of annoyance to my upstairs neighbors, who have a view down on the roof deck. Someone who lives up there frequently practices on their drum kit after 10pm, of which I have never complained to them, so I figure they owe me a bit of latitude. And it’s not like I’m out there every night living it up. In reality, I’ve had only one friend over to enjoy the URD with me and only one time did we enjoy it somewhat loudly and later than 10pm.

However, when I glanced out my kitchen window the other morning to spy what appeared to be brutally disfigured, anatomically correct dildo lying on my roof, my first thought, after a generalized what the fuck?, was that this was some sort of retribution for the unsanctioned-ness of the URD from neighbors above or below. But upon further inspection, I realized it couldn’t possibly be so simple.

First, the placement of the dildo on the roof suggests a variety of options for its ingress. Yes, it could have been dropped down from the apartment above. It could also have been tossed over from the neighboring building’s deck, which is on the same level as mine (but theirs is definitely sanctioned). It could have been tossed up from the little courtyard behind my building where I and all the other tenants pass through to enter the building. It could have been thrown from the stoop of the neighboring building to the east. It could conceivably have been launched from the backyard two doors down if the person throwing it had some experience with a javelin in his or her past. It could have been tossed up from the street, however, that’s the least likely option as there are trees that would seem to interfere with its trajectory to where it landed. But what do I know about tossing dildos onto rooftops?

Those options all contribute to the mystery, but none of them deepens it like the violent damage done to what was surely once an indestructibly erect wang. At first it looked like someone had maybe put it in the microwave or submerged its circumcised tip into boiling acid. But upon closer (but definitely non-tactile) examination it appeared to be possibly manhandled by Freddy Kruger in one of his gentler moods. It was sliced open, and its silicone core was torn asunder, the top half of it MIA, leaving the ripped rubberized flesh of the exterior empty—flaccid, if you will. I mean, who uses a dildo in such a way to result in such a grievous state, then throws it onto a roof? I leave my building now looking at my neighbors in a whole new light; who is the dildo abuser and tosser? Was it an intentional missile of passive-aggressive neighborly annoyance? Was it a masturbatory misadventure of epic proportions? Does someone nearby have a bizarrely dangerous orifice?

In all prosaic likelihood, some teenagers probably got hold of the thing somehow, molested it awfully, and chucked it, and I and my URD are the lucky recipients of such juvenile transgressions. But the other possibilities are so much more fun to contemplate. And I want you to be able to share in them. You’ll see below an uncensored picture of the object in question, exactly as I found it. Please feel free to use the comments section under this post on your social network of choice to contribute your theories on the tragic fate of this sad sex toy. I’m dying to hear what you guys think.Have fun.